Anorexia& attention seeking
I was neglected so my therapist used to say maybe i choose anorexia for attention but who is gunna "choose" an illness thats just fucked up. I had CAT therapy which looks at relaationships and he mainly looked at my family life and came to that conclusion.
I do nothing out of the ordinary that shows i want attention. I do so so much to hide my ED and i keep myself to myself most of the time. And i HATE it when someome notics. And he would also know how much i hated it and know how shy i am but still say it. So i domt get it. He would tell me losing weight dramaticly seems like the only way to get attention, to be noticed and cared for, for myself. But no i hate it all and i want to die. But then i do question it.
I am not even making out that wanting attention is a bad thing. Of corse i love attention, like who wants to be completly ignored, right. But i didnt like how my feelings was minised and made me feel like i have no this control and could stop any day when i cant???
My therapy finished months ago but i cant stop thinking - 'fml im just an attention seeker and deserve to die' to thinking - 'im not an attention seeker and i will never have cntrol over thid and is ruining my whole life and still want to die'.
I just dk anymore. Im just confused. Like maybe he was saying it is how it started and now i cant stop. But i cant even remember how it started. I think it is more to do with the lack of control i had as kid growing up so liked seeing control in my weight loss and got obsessive & addictive so i still do it. Not that im trying to make up for the care i never got.
Is it wrong for my therpist to of said that stuff ? To me it sounds mostly wrong and would of stopped me getting help if i knew thats how people got treated. But idk if i just viewing it all wrong