Scared of letting someone close?

Esme17Esme17 Posts: 169 The Mix convert
Hey again everyone! You guys have managed to help me so much before so i'm hoping you may be able to help me with this? To be honest i'm not too sure what i'm looking for but i'm hoping me writing this will be able to help me work things out as well. This could end up being quite long so i apologise in advance :)

Basically, a guy is messaging me at the moment and i really don't know how i feel about it all. I find it hard to trust guys from past experiences and don't want to end up getting hurt again by maybe starting something. It seems silly writing it down because i'm 19 and nearly all my friends are in relationships and have been for ages and they do not get as freaked out by things as me. I have never had a relationship or dated anyone before. Loads of guys have message me and i always get scared and push them away before i can get to know them better which i really annoy myself by doing but i don't know how to do anything differently.

The guy messaging me at the moment did try and message me a couple of years ago at college and i was actually really harsh to him and pushed him away and he ended up with another girl for about a year and a bit. They both went to uni this year and she cheated on him and then last week he started messaging me again saying how he wanted to meet up when he is back for Christmas. He keeps saying things like "i really liked you and want us to work this time" but i never know what to say back to him. I kind of feel like i am a rebound from the girl he just broke up with but i said that to him and he just said he liked me before he even knew her.

I know i am thinking so far ahead but i'm not sure if i see the point in me meeting up with him when he is back for Christmas. I don't feel that anything could happen because he will go back to uni and i will be travelling and then ill be going to a different uni. It wont work.

One second i think i will meet up with him and see what happens and then the next i get so panicky about it and decide i wont because i get scared about that could happen. I thought things were alright between us last night and we were having a normal conversation but then he brought up what happened a couple of years back and wanted me to explain why i said what i did. It's the second or third time he brought it up now and i get that it was mean of me to say things to him like i did but i was so scared at the time. I have never told anyone what happened and i don't want to because i want to move on and not bring it up again but he was pushing me to tell him so much last night and i hated it. I told him that i didn't want to explain but he didn't seem to get it. Now i'm back to having no clue what i think.

I feel so stupid being this scared over this and making a big deal over nothing but i really don't know what to do?

Sorry, it was longer than i expected! Thanks if you actually bothered to read it all :heart:

Esme xx

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,769,851 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Esme!

    First of all, I just want to say you're so not alone in this situation, so many people struggle with letting people in. It's definitely going to take time to get over your previous experiences, trust me I know haha. I also know that sometimes it can feel like you're not going to recover to being your easy going self - but you'll get there! Christmas is a long while away yet, you never know what could happen in that time, my advice would be to see how things go, but don't feel pressured to speka to him or meet him if you don't want to. This situation is all in your hands Esme!

    Hope to hear back from you,
    Hannah:heart:
  • Esme17Esme17 Posts: 169 The Mix convert
    Thanks Hannah.

    Yeah it’s definitely going to take a while. I know Christmas is ages yet but he is messaging me about it now and I feel I can’t keep avoiding replying about it for forever.

    Esme x
  • ShaunieShaunie An empath EnglandPosts: 1,294 Fanatical Poster
    Hey Esme

    Just wanted to say do what you feel is most comfortable for you.. Dont feel the need to meet him, and if you do then you can always just leave at any time if not comfortable.
    And dont feel the need to answer his questions. If you really dont want to answer, dont feel pressure, youre in the right to share what you like, when and if.
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us face, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care.” ~ Marvin J Ashton
  • MegglesMeggles Unicorn. Posts: 726 Incredible Poster
    Hey Esme!
    hope you are doing well.

    you aren't alone in this situation Esme, it happens. Trust is a hard thing to build up after having negative past experiences. Don't feel silly for how you feel about this, relationships come and go, they happen and they don't. Its understandable to have the feelings you have around relationships.
    With the Guy you are messaging, don't feel pressured to share what you don't want to share, if you are not comfortable to speak about it yet, then that is ok too.

    There is little while to Christmas yet so there's time to work out what you feel comfortable in doing, It's great that you are having normal conversations, How would you feel saying, I don't want to talk about this yet or I don't feel comfortable talking about this? either way, there is plenty of time to talk with him and see where it goes, but don't feel like you have to talk to him etc, follow how you feel and what you feel comfortable doing.


    Meggles

  • DreaDrea Posts: 292 Cool Newbie
    Hey Esme,

    It's completely normal to feel this way, especially at this age. This is often a period of your life where you meet new people and develop romantic feelings for people and you may start dating etc... It's completely understandable to be going through all these emotions and overthinking about it all, especially when you have already had experiences which are negative, so naturally as a defence mechanism you're gonna want to protect yourself as much as possible to not get hurt again! If you really would like to meet up with him, then it may be good just to get out of your comfort zone a little and see how it goes! If you really aren't feeling it, then it's perfectly fine and you don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with. Just listen to what your really want! And if you do go out and you realise that you aren't into him, then there is no pressure to go out again. Communication is key! As long as you're both on the same page about who feels what, then it's going about it the right way. If you do feel you like him but the rebound situation is bothering you, then you could tell him to take things slow and perhaps confirm that he really isn't still into his ex girlfriend.

    As we said, just do what you feel comfortable and what you feel is right. At the end of the day, everything is an experience and you learn something one way or another from it :) Just try to be honest with yourself and work from there.

    To try to overcome the overthinking, when you do find yourself thinking too much about the situation and creating scenarios in your head which may make you uncomfortable or freak out, try to think of something else and go with it day by day as opposed to maybe looking into the distant distant future. There's absolutely no need to feel stupid over it! It's a completely legitimate feeling that MANY MANY people feel just like you.

    Hope this helps and feel free to get in touch if you need any more advice!

    Drea:heart:
  • Esme17Esme17 Posts: 169 The Mix convert
    Thanks @Drea thats really helpful :)

    I think im most scared about having to tell people things if i let them get too close to me and so i try and not let people get too close. Im going to give him a chance though as long as he stops pushing me to tell him things like he was doing last week.

    Esme x
  • RayofhopeRayofhope Posts: 144 The Mix convert
    Hi Esme,

    It sounds like a good plan and well done for opening up and talking about it on here. How are things going with him at the moment?

    Hope your alright

    Rayofhope:rainbow:
    Life doesn’t require we be the best, only that we try our best
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