Too cut a long story short I had a s***childhood. As a teacher now I don't see how my mum pulled the wool over so many peoples eyes for so long. I don't speak to my mum or dad. Dad since I was 2 as he was a shit father and violent, my mum since I was 17 as she kicked me out and is border line pysychotic. (She refused to agree she needed help). I saw my dads family till a week before my 11th birthday and was always a nanny's girl adored them. One day I went round to see her and asked who the pram belonged to she said my dads other daughter. Before I could even comprehend what was going on my mum pulled me out of there not to see them again until I was 21 by the off chance. (Another story for another time). I grew up being told they didn't want me at all (by my mum) which I now know is lies but affected me deeply. She said they didn't love me they wanted my dad's other daughter my cousins didn't want to see me and my nan didn't want anything to do with me ever again. I cried my self to sleep for months after this. As a child I had no family (most of my mums was dead or she never saw). On top of this I grew up being told I was a brat. I was golden at school and though as a child never perfect (what child is?) I was very good at home as well. My mum would take small things and twist them. Little things that on their own would make people think why am I complaining. I would say it was emotional abuse to the point my anxiety has been traced back to her. The living on constant edge, one day something would be okay the next day it wasn't. That her terrible life was all my fault, if I hadn't been born it wouldn't be so bad. I was expected to fend for myself pretty much froma young age. Don't get me wrong their was always food in the cupboard, but as a single parent she often expected me to act like an adult but with none of the trust. I knew things I should not have know. Punishments would include removing every item out of my room for weeks and having the plugs cut off all electronics. Stopping my pocket money for weeks on end (not too bad except for she expected me to buy anything I needed from it i.e. all my clothes including school uniform, her birthday and Christmas presents, hair cuts, bus pass etc). The amount of times my friends parents used to beg me to let them speak to her I would cry out of fear of her reaction screaming for them not too. To the point when I stayed at my friends till 11 his mum said she would drive me back I demanded to get the bus as my mum knew the timetable and if she thought I got dropped home she would ground me and make me wrote apologies for causing a fuss and demanding lifts. She would never take the answer that other parents offered she always thought I asked. as an adult I am always told I apologise too much as a result.
It is only the last year or 2 I have accepted that I did indeed have a rubbish child hood. I have always said no people had it way worse its normal. But you know what it isn't. I feel terrible as I am still letting that woman control my life now and I shouldn't. I have major trust issues and cannot believe people including my family when they say they want me. I feel like a burden.
I now see my dads side again, but can't seem to rationalise it isn't my 16 year old sister fault as I grew up being told its her fault you don't have a family. Does anybody have any ideas how I can start to get over this (The adult part of me knows this isn't true, but the young girl part of me can't seem to get past this).
Luckily my dad doesnt get invited to any family events (no body but my nan speaks to him). Except for my nan's 80th birthday party where he will be. I don't know whether to go or not or if I am emotionally strong enough to do so. That on top of my family making requests to go up more is sending me over the edge. They won't seem to understand I literally CANNOT afford to do so.
The conclusion of this is I need help but I don't think one normal parent would be too much to ask for. Is it?
My main question for this is does anybody have any ideas where I could go to get help to talk through all these family issues as I am at wits end, but didn't like CBT before.
So so so sorry for the rant.