Sorry

AbigailAbigail Posts: 330 Rampant Poster
Sorry to bother you all with this ... I never normally would but I can't keep continuing knowing that I am lying to you all.

​So since probably the middle of October, I started to get just to find I was struggling because of things from my passed. I know we are all fighting are own mini battles everyday and my mini battles feel like they will never end or if it does end there is no happy ending. For the pasted 16 years of my life I have never known who I was. All I know is I am Abi. Every person is put on this world for a purpose (Not to be a failure) I feel like my role is just to help others and its not what I want. Ever since I was younger people always told my parents 'Your Abi is really supportive and helpful' not 'Oh your Abi is amazing a music' It does annoy me because people have sort of written me off and said she is good at one thing and that's it.

​Being supportive is a really nice skill to have is really lovely but it takes so much out of me. I am only 16 I have a lot of responsibility and not having that space where people tell me I am only good at one thing is horrible and its ridicules how many times people say to me I didn't think you could do that.

​I know I am really supportive on her but I think some of the mods will back me up here ... I need to take a break and look after myself first ... No this doesn't mean I am leaving you all for a while ... it just means I am not going to be as 'full on' with thing. That means I will be quitter in SC and chatting in GC.

​Sorry if I have let anyone down.


Abi
Some people think i am unhappy. I'm not. I just approach silence in the world that never stops talking
«1

Comments

  • DreaDrea Posts: 292 Cool Newbie
    Hey Abi,

    You haven't let anyone down! It's okay to not be okay, and we all go through struggles here and there. Take the time that you feel you need. No judgments anywhere! Thank you so much for all your help. We will all stay in touch on here I'm sure, even if it is as frequent as it usually is. Hope you feel better, and remember we're always here if you need to talk :)

    Have a great day <3

    Drea:heart:
  • Esme17Esme17 Posts: 167 The Mix convert
    Aww Abi! Sorry to hear you feel like this. Please look after yourself and take as much time as you need :)

    You haven’t let anyone down! You know where I am if you need to talk?

    Esme xx
  • independent_independent_ Boards Baby ScotlandPosts: 1,045 Fanatical Poster
    Hey Abi,

    As the others have said you're letting no one down. It's ok to take that time to yourself - take as much time as you need.

    Same goes here - here if you ever need a chat!

    Eleanor
  • JellyelephantJellyelephant Posts: 219 Two little ducks
    Hey Abi,

    Please don't be sorry. Have you ever heard of the phrase "You can't pour from an empty cup"? I feel like this applies here. You need to look after yourself before you can start caring for other people. I know you know all about self care so I won't go on, but try and practise it a little, the way you encourage others to. It's great that you have other skills too, I know music is one of your passions in life and hopefully by studying it that can help you get to where you want to be. Take all the time you need, you don't have to support people in SC all of the time - chat is there to support you too when you are going through difficult times.

    Take care of yourself
    Jelly x
  • AbigailAbigail Posts: 330 Rampant Poster
    Hi
    ​I have told myself that this month I am going to really focus on myself and get myself into a routine including self-care morning and night and see if it does help in anyway.

    @jellyelephant - That's quote is one that I know very well sadly. I never listen to my body do I? I won't be as full on in SC chats this month and if I am doing the odd night here and there but I won't be the Abi everybody is used to but that's alright because there is multiple sides to everyone. mine is just hard to see as I never show you the true me.

    @independent_ - I will be ... got any room in GC for so Abi? :P No I will try my best and I will keep talking to you all and if after the new year I am still not great I might go and speak to my doctor. Thank you!

    @Esme17 - I will try my best to and thank you!

    @Drea - Thank you. I will keep posting and talking to people on here and to people in college as well.

    ​Speak soon

    ​Abi
    Some people think i am unhappy. I'm not. I just approach silence in the world that never stops talking
  • independent_independent_ Boards Baby ScotlandPosts: 1,045 Fanatical Poster
    That sounds like a plan Abi! Lots of self-care - sounds like it's most needed!
  • AbigailAbigail Posts: 330 Rampant Poster
    Feel like i should just walk out of practice and not come back.
    Some people think i am unhappy. I'm not. I just approach silence in the world that never stops talking
  • hotcocoahotcocoa Fast Newbie Posts: 33
    Hello Abigail, I'm new here but sounds like things are difficult Self soothe is a good idea or mindfulness? Hope things improve soon.
  • AbigailAbigail Posts: 330 Rampant Poster
    Update - I am still feeling quite how to put it shitty at the moment. I really don't know why I feel this bad. On Thursday my tutor kept saying to me my work is really good and I should be proud of the work I am doing but I really just can't see how it good. Within college pressure does get put on your shoulders mine comes in the form of caring, college work and wanting to prove myself to be better than my brother and show people that I am not my brothers sister I am actually someone different.

    ​Tomorrow (Monday) I will speak to my 1-2-1 tutor and ask her if everything I am doing is correct and the comments I am reserving are correct and its not just to make me feel better.

    ​Am I still doing the right thing my dropping back and looking after myself because to me I don't feel like I am? I feel useless!

    Sorry
    Some people think i am unhappy. I'm not. I just approach silence in the world that never stops talking
  • independent_independent_ Boards Baby ScotlandPosts: 1,045 Fanatical Poster
    You are not useless. And yes you're doing the right thing by looking after yourself!
  • hotcocoahotcocoa Fast Newbie Posts: 33
    As others have said, you are not useless and I'm glad you're reaching out to your tutor.
  • AbigailAbigail Posts: 330 Rampant Poster
    I ended up speaking to my 1-2-1 tutor today and told her about the comments and she weirdly did agree with it. I have sound my voice this year and I am using it to voice my own opinions about the course I am on and now just waiting for the long response.

    ​I am meeting up with my personal tutor on Wednesday to talk about my course, I really don't know if I am doing the right thing telling them I am finding it to easy or if not. HELP!!
    Hope your all doing well
    Some people think i am unhappy. I'm not. I just approach silence in the world that never stops talking
  • hotcocoahotcocoa Fast Newbie Posts: 33
    Abigail wrote: »
    I ended up speaking to my 1-2-1 tutor today and told her about the comments and she weirdly did agree with it. I have sound my voice this year and I am using it to voice my own opinions about the course I am on and now just waiting for the long response.

    ​I am meeting up with my personal tutor on Wednesday to talk about my course, I really don't know if I am doing the right thing telling them I am finding it to easy or if not. HELP!!
    Hope your all doing well


    Well done for speaking to your tutor. I bet it was hard to speak to your tutor. Well done for voicing your opinions. I definitely think you did the right thing, especially if she agrees with you. x
  • AbigailAbigail Posts: 330 Rampant Poster
    Meeting tomorrow and I am so nervous but I don't know why. Really hope I don't regret this now!
    Some people think i am unhappy. I'm not. I just approach silence in the world that never stops talking
  • AifeAife Posts: 898 Moderator
    Abigail wrote: »
    Meeting tomorrow and I am so nervous but I don't know why. Really hope I don't regret this now!


    Hey @Abigail I just wanted to check in and ask how your meeting went today? I hope it went okay! :)

    - Aife
  • AbigailAbigail Posts: 330 Rampant Poster
    Hi @Aife ye i wish i had better news. It didn't go well but i sort of knew it wouldn't just that little gut instinct told me it wasn't going to go well.
    Hope your doing well.
    Abi
    Some people think i am unhappy. I'm not. I just approach silence in the world that never stops talking
  • AifeAife Posts: 898 Moderator
    Hey @Abigail I'm really sorry to hear that the meeting didn't go well, it can be really tough when meetings don't go well. How are you feeling about it? I hope that you're okay. Remember we're all here whenever you want to talk about anything :)

    All the best,

    - Aife
  • AbigailAbigail Posts: 330 Rampant Poster
    Hey @Aife I know ... That's why I am talking on here!! I am just feeling really annoyed with myself that I didn't tell him that I am on a different level to other students in my group and it shows.

    Sorry

    ​Abi
    Some people think i am unhappy. I'm not. I just approach silence in the world that never stops talking
  • RayofhopeRayofhope Posts: 137 The Mix convert
    Hi Abi,

    Well done for being open and talking on here about how you feeling I hope this is helping. How you feeling at the moment?

    You shouldn't feel annoyed with yourself about not managing to tell him what you wanted maybe this is something which you want to work towards in the future? It can be really hard to remember and also sometimes we might not feel comfortable telling them something when we are in a meeting, I know for me personally that just catching the person I want to talk in the corridor may be more helpful or a short chat in their office can help start things.

    You don't need to be sorry.

    Rayofhope:rainbow:
  • AbigailAbigail Posts: 330 Rampant Poster
    Hi, @Rayofhope

    ​I know its quite hard to remember everything when your in a stressful situation like a meeting but a small out come has come up so I am happy, Song writing!! Should keep me out of mischief.

    ​I am slowly getting better. I am slowly looking at coming back in as 'supportive Abi' taking night off when I need them and learning that my body is my instrument and if I burn it out music won't happen.

    I will learn.

    ​How your doing well.
    ​Thank you.

    ​Abi
    Some people think i am unhappy. I'm not. I just approach silence in the world that never stops talking
  • DreaDrea Posts: 292 Cool Newbie
    Hey Abigail,

    Hope you're doing well! It's natural to feel nervous but your tutor is there for these kinds of concerns you have!

    Drea:heart:

  • AbigailAbigail Posts: 330 Rampant Poster
    Hi @Drea

    I was nervous because its was the first time i have spoken to anyone in college about how i am feeling.
    I am slowly getting better even though i do have knock backs most days.

    Hope your doing well.

    Abi
    Some people think i am unhappy. I'm not. I just approach silence in the world that never stops talking
  • Abigail You have no need to be sorry. You are gifted in communications and as you go in life life like the rest of us, I bet new opportunities will arise. I never even guessed you are 16. I thought you were much older. So here is this opportunity that is just waiting to happen, but at the right time, Abi. There is a plan for each one of us in this life, I am sure, so you have no need to limit yourself to being a supporter, for on this forum you mean a lot more to people like me.

    As we grow, which Gran used to tell me, so do our natural gifts grow with us. The chapter of our lives continues into the next and this support that you give is going to become the stepping stone onto the next. Whatever it is that besets you now, isn't going to last forever. I know in myself that having to grow up quicker than my peers is no longer the snare that I thought. Having lost much of my childhood t being poor when very young, I foraged skips to find valuable items that people needlessly threw away. I soon learnt to sell on my finds and build up good savings, and use it for my family when father was philiandering and not paying mum a cent. Growing up meant I took on the parent side, but though I hated the image back then, now I see my fast-tracking growing up to be an advantage - so much so that my English grammar is vastly better than my native tongue. I grew up to study, and when we set about improving ourselves, it's for the common good.

    Try not to be too hard on yourself. You have been great to me and I am so grateful for your friendship on the forum ((HUGS))

    Julie
  • It's late and we're all awake...the gale has worsened...but I've been thinking. You already possess a gift, and that is playing a musical instrument. How about you take singing lessons / vocal training? I did, and my tutor taught me how to sing in all parts of my voice; and it will be the same for you. Not one's 'head' voice and not just one's 'chest' voice, but how to go to the lower range without strain and using breathing techniques, eventually your teacher will train you to project your voice - and with it out comes your character. One that you will not have been aware of until this vocal training commenced. To play a musical instrument is a gift in itself. To sing is an extension of that, and will become liberating to you.

    Singing and playing your instrument will do you good even during your down days. Because when you start giving yourself more Me Time, you will be taking a little break from being in a supportive role. Even I need to sit back and be kinder to myself, especially when feeling drained after helping mum. Sometimes I sit on the beach and watch the sea, or go in the garden and watch hundreds of starlings murmurating in swoops and bows across the twilight sky.

    When I became proficient in singing, I went into town with my acoustic guitar and choosing an archway, busked. The feeling was akin to letting a canary out of its cage - I felt liberated! Singing gave me a new dimension to my life and the same could be your's if you took up singing lessons. They will help your confidence like they helped mine, and in the end we don't need to keep feeling pushed down and cornered. Of course, I still hit down days and nights like anyone else, but tomorrow begins a new day even if the sun won't be shining, it will be shining somewhere else, brightening up their day and even your's. :)

  • AbigailAbigail Posts: 330 Rampant Poster
    I had some news yesterday ... that is sort of life changing for me ... I have got dyslexia.
    @Princesa I know you would never of guessed my age as I always acted older than I am it natural for a carer. Music changed everything in are life Julie. In my family there is only 2 musicians myself and my auntie - we are both woodwind players ... she is a flute player at the moment. Sorry I struggles to respond to long posts sorry I run out of things to say sorry. Thank you anyway.

    Some people think i am unhappy. I'm not. I just approach silence in the world that never stops talking
  • Hi @Abigail :)

    Thank you for clarifying though am sorry you suffer dyslexia.

    Since being diagnosed with dyslexia, you will find this website useful: Understood: 'FAQS About Dyslexia and Learning Music:

    https://www.understood.org/en/learni...exia-and-music

    Also at Understood, '14 Musicians With Learning and Attention Issues':

    https://www.understood.org/en/learni...tention-issues

    Don't feel the need to say sorry. I know more about learning issues. I have a sister who needs constant help. I am sure your Auntie helps you lots
  • hotcocoahotcocoa Fast Newbie Posts: 33
    Hi Abi, sorry to hear that. I have tried PMing you but it says you have disabled them. We care.
  • AbigailAbigail Posts: 330 Rampant Poster
    @hotcocoa hi, i know you care and i know everyone on here does as well.

    I needed some space so i did turn PMs off on thursday i have turned them back on this morning. So feel free to message me now.

    Hope you all understand..

    Abi
    Some people think i am unhappy. I'm not. I just approach silence in the world that never stops talking
  • Nobody is going to mind if you take a back seat, @Abigail What is most important to you right now is taking some time out for yourself. Listen to some relaxing music; take out a well-loved book and read it again. Or get one of those lovely colouring-in books and some coloured pencils/felt tip pens and make some beautiful pictures.

    What helps is not use your laptop/phone at least one hour before bedtime. Devices give off a blue light the can keep us awake when we are trying to sleep. Enjoy a comforting warm bath, even. Get a family member to buy some Epsom Salts. Though it's old fashioned, we all use it. Epsom Salts is a well known salt used for muscle relaxation. It relaxes the nervous system, alleviates aching limbs, relieves back and muscle pain and cramps, and is an absolutely great stress reliever.

    When I first started using Epsom Salts, I felt all the tension drain out of me. It's cheap and can be bought online.

    You are very loved on the forum and in chat, Abi. So many here care for you. I do. :)
  • DreaDrea Posts: 292 Cool Newbie
    HI Abigail,

    How are you feeling today?

    Drea:heart:
«1
Sign In or Register to comment.