Do you ever think...this is it? (TW: eating disorder)

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,769,851 The Mix Honorary Guru
That this is all my life is?


(I did put a trigger warning just in case but I also tried to keep out as many specifics as I could whilst still being able to describe how low I'm feeling. I'm really sorry if I have hurt someone or triggered someone with this post. Please feel free to remove it if it's too sensitive, I won't mind.)


I'm a slave to my mind. Things have never been this bad in all my life and it's scary. I don't know what's even real anymore. I'm pretty much always distanced from the world and the creatures we call 'humans'. I'm disgusted by everything. Most of all myself. But it feels like it's me vs everything that exists. I feel so bitter all the time and it swallows me up whole. I genuinely don't know how much longer I can keep going. I've had terrible times in the past for sure but this is the first time it's really hit me that there is no hope.

You might try and say that there is, but I've lived with an eating disorder long enough now to know that without support I just get worse and worse, but I can't get support because I'm too afraid. Anorexia is the only thing I have in my life that keeps me going, it's all I am, it's my whole identity. My entire life has become wake up, look in the mirror, refuse to leave the house, have a breakdown at the thought of my body, keep down one meal in the evening, then go to bed and think about all the ways I can end this hell. Then repeat. I can't live like this, I'm going mad, but recovery feels so unattainable and wrong, I can't make the decision to do it anymore, I've lost the blissful ability to even consider it because I'm just too weak against this disease.

What's worse is my family have to watch every day as I slowly destroy myself. They're basically watching me disappear. And I can't do anything to put their mind at ease other than to smile every so often so they don't have to know I'm living in excruciating pain every second.

I'm so sorry for taking up your time. Please, I don't want to hurt anymore people, please don't feel like you are obliged to respond or give advice or even to read the whole thing. Sometimes just to know someone out there can hear my cry for help is all I ask for.

Comments

  • MikeMike Posts: 1,065 Moderator
    Heya Caitlin. :wave: Wicked to see you back around, it's been a while.

    Just to say, what you wrote is totally okay and within guidelines. :) Thanks for being so respectful and aware of everything.

    Reading your post, I was a little taken aback by just how ultimate those feelings of hopelessless and detachment are for you. Although I can't personally relate, I think I started to really get a sense what you're feeling.
    Anorexia is the only thing I have in my life that keeps me going, it's all I am, it's my whole identity. My entire life has become wake up, look in the mirror, refuse to leave the house, have a breakdown at the thought of my body, keep down one meal in the evening, then go to bed and think about all the ways I can end this hell. Then repeat.

    This really struck me. I know this might sound a bit cliché and unhelpful, but I feel like it might be worth mentioning anyway. However all-encompassing they feel, our struggles and our conditions don't need to define who we are. They can take up a huge amount of our time and energy, and sometimes even seem like our lives revolve around them, but ultimately you are still your own person beneath all that. Someone with their own identity, ability to feel happy, sad and love and to enjoy life.

    Recovery is a long, twisty turny journey and sometimes the end of that path might feel unreachable. That's totally okay though, because as long as long as you keep putting one foot in front of the other, that's progress. :yes: Even just posting here and getting through your days are achievements worth recognising.

    It really sucks to hear that support doesn't feel like an option right now though. :( What support have you had before?

    Keep using this space to talk if it helps, it sounds like you might have a lot on your chest. We're here for you. *hug*
    < 3
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,769,851 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Mike,
    It's nice to be back, a lot has happened since the last time I was here but most importantly of all I've grown up a little bit. :)
    I'm surprised that you remember me actually, it's been a couple years I think.

    You make some really valid points though about the identity thing and I think it's hard because I feel so vulnerable in this world. My eating disorder is like a protective barrier from the world in a way, it feels like nothing else bothers me or can hurt me anymore because all I care about is how many calories I eat and what my BMI is, so I think that's why it's become such a huge part of my identity. I see myself as weaker without it, because I know I would feel crushed by the amount that's happening in the world and how much I crave to have love and approval even from people I know don't love and approve of me.. :(

    As for support it's just I'm so afraid of all the possible outcomes. Afraid I'll be taken too seriously and made to put on weight/eat more, afraid I'll have my control taken away, afraid that I won't be taken seriously enough and they'll just tell me I'm not sick enough for help, afraid of being judged or disbelieved etc. All ED support sites say that seeing the GP is the first step but the GP is the person I'm most afraid of, so I feel like I can't even make that first step.

    And the longer I don't make the first step, the worse my condition gets and the less I want to fight. So it's like a horrible cycle of thoughts and fears. :c

    Thanks for getting back to me though. Sorry for the word vomit haha. I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed by life at the moment :s
  • CharlotteCharlotte Posts: 227 The Mix convert
    Most sites do say that talking to a GP is the first step but it defiantly isn't you have come so far in the journey, posting on here is a massive milestone and you should be proud of yourself for reaching it. Sometimes you may struggle to put on foot infrount of the other, but you push though, that is an achievement. Talking to a GP is not the first step just one along a long path.

    Stay strong
    Harriet
  • MikeMike Posts: 1,065 Moderator
    Your name is definitely familiar. I think I recognise it from my user days way back when. :)

    I can totally see what you mean by the protective barrier thing. Wanting to shield ourselves from vulnerability is a most human thing, and sometimes it's just easier when you feel so exhausted by everything else to have another, more familiar (and I guess in a weird sense, also more comfortable?) focus. The way you describe it makes it sound like quite a double edged thing - like although it makes you feel protected, it's also quite confining?

    Seeking support is such a difficult thing so it's only natural to be nervous about it. Taking that very first step is so often the hardest, particularly with a GP as you say. Out of interest, why d'you think you're most afraid of the GP?

    The thing you said about wanting approval and love also couldn't be more human (I realise I'm saying that a lot!). Is there anyone in particular you're craving it from, or do you find it's more of a general need?

    You have pretty impressive self-awareness, by the way. It can be a nightmare trying to find out where a lot of these feelings and resistances come from, but you're identifying them really well here. :) No worries about the word vomit - sometimes having a good vent is just what's needed!

    Let us know how you're getting on. *hug*

    EDIT: Also what Harriet said. ;) ^
    < 3
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,769,851 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you Harriet & Mike for being so lovely and giving me support.

    I'm sorry for being a bit silent for a while, I go through these phases sometimes.

    I'm not sure what to say really. I feel like I'm coping 'better' but I know it's only because I'm losing weight so I get this fake happiness but it's only a distraction from all the negative feelings I have underneath. Occasionally those feelings kind of spill out and well I don't want to worry people or delve too much into such a deep topic but I've been thinking about the future and I don't know how much longer I can go on.

    I wish things weren't this way but more than ever my ED feels like a safety blanket. I'm still so afraid of opening up about it because I just don't trust people anymore, especially not GPs because they're in a position to turn around and tell me I'm not sick enough or that I don't "look" like there's anything wrong. :(

    I almost feel like I'm in some sick competition with myself to get as ill as I can before getting help, aka not getting help until there's an intervention against my will. Because I feel like only then will I be worthy of help and only then will they take me seriously.

    As for the needing love/approval, it's just something I feel like I need from everyone around me, I've always struggled with knowing someone might dislike me.

    Idk ._.
  • CharlotteCharlotte Posts: 227 The Mix convert
    Great to hear back from you. Sounds really hard for you at the moment.

    If you decide that you do want to reach out for help now then, doctors and others are there to listen to you and to support you. If you don't feel that one doctor is listening to or giving you the help and support which you want then you can change docotors. There will be someone that will give you support and will want to get you better.

    Don't let this win, this is a hard battle to fight but I believe you are strong enough to fight it and it will get better.

    If you chose to reach out for love and approval and you tell people around you what's going on, everyone will be there to support you and they won't dislike you. They will know how hard it is and how strong you are to reach out to them.

    Keep fighting
    Harriet
  • ShaunieShaunie An empath EnglandPosts: 1,294 Fanatical Poster
    Your first post really reminded me of how i was before reaching out for help. The feeling of being stuck like that forever, and no one understanding or judging.
    I'm still getting therapy for anorexia but It's been on a bit of a hold. And a few weeks in, it was really helping, I started gaining weight and not caring. When it was all I cares about. And its weird how therpy actually works. For your self and other you need to seek that sort of support.
    Because what you think people will think are mot true. I got accepted for therapy. And the one thing i was most scared of is just being told to eat. And forcing me to eat. But even though I was really underweight, that wasnt wasn't to kuch of a pressure and not even every week i was weight because it's your mind. And you may need to start with using an eating dairy to slowly start eating and not get 're feeding syndrome. So they don't even want to push a load of food down your throat.
    I am not extremely underweight anymore because I've developed bulimia. Which is actually common after anorexia or recovering from it. So recovering is not exactly straight forward, but I would like to think im getting there. And binging a lot less until hopefully i dont. But you will get there. Seek the support you deserve. It's there and they just want to help you and not judge.

    Here if you need me to listen. I would love to encourage you to seek support. But only you can actually do it.
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us face, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care.” ~ Marvin J Ashton
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,769,851 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you. Both of you sound so strong for fighting as well. For me I think getting through each day is an achievement right now, I just try to look at it like that. I still feel I need to be so much thinner though before I can get help. Especially because I'm seeing all the NHS drama on the news it makes me feel even less hopeful about recovering. I know they're not all bad but I still just feel like they wouldn't help me anyway unless I was literally dying. And I think I am considered to be in the 'severely underweight' category but I'm not exactly at the point you'd consider life threatening.

    Then again that could just be my distorted perception :\

    I was at my group therapy the other day (it's a charity run group, I don't go all the time but it's the only support I have had for the past couple years) and I was talking to the woman who runs that session. She's seen me deteriorate quite a bit and I think she's wanting to get some support in place. Like she's respectful about my choice to recover but she even sort of said that inpatient treatment might be best for me. Which shocked me tbh. She's not gonna make me do it or anything but she said she'd help me if I decided the time was right. So I guess there's that.

    I honestly wish I could just snap my fingers and be better so I don't have to go through the process, but it just doesn't work like that. :(
  • CharlotteCharlotte Posts: 227 The Mix convert
    hi thanks for getting back to us, unfortunately it can be a long journey to recovery and it can take a long time to get there. I am sure that if you did decided that you wanted help them they would be able to provide you with the best support for you. It may help you if you did decide that you wanted to get some support that you have this women around, so that she can help you in the process.

    ​Its all up to you what you decide that you want to do but remember that you don't need to be life threatening to get the help you deserve, as this can get really dangerous and can have even bigger impacts on your life.

    ​You can do this, it might be a battle and there may be days when you take step backwards, but you pick yourself up again and you fight even harder than you fought before.


  • ShaunieShaunie An empath EnglandPosts: 1,294 Fanatical Poster
    I completely agree with Harriet. And I'm glad to hear you're getting some sort of support. And that you do want support. Both very big things and steps for anyone:)

    You're unfortunately it's a long procces. So dont force you're self to much and do take each day as an achievement. But I believe you will get there and it will be worth it.
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us face, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care.” ~ Marvin J Ashton
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,769,851 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Been a long time since I wrote here (sorry about that)

    I'm doing absolutely terribly all i can think about is i need to lose weight as quickly as possible and the fact that I'm not doing it as quickly as i want is making me want to end my life and i don't know if I want to carry on anymore. i've got no purpose, nothing to keep me here. I've given myself to a time later in the year to get to the weight i need to be, and if I'm not there by that time then I'm giving up.

    I just can't do this anymore, I can't cope with living when I know I've been thinner than this and the pain is just too much to handle, no-one can help me anyway, I just don't want to live anymore if this is all my life is going to be and it would be worth it if I was thin but I can't live with these thoughts when I'm still so FAT.
  • AifeAife Posts: 941 Moderator
    Hey @Al0neInMusic,

    I'm really sorry to hear what you've been going through, it sounds like things have been really difficult and everything's becoming quite overwhelming. You're taking a great step to update us about how you're feeling :). How have things been these past couple of months? In your last post you mentioned a group therapy you'd been going to, how is everything going there?

    In one of your earlier posts you mentioned you feel you're not at a stage yet where a GP can help you, how are you feeling about this at the moment?

    I just wanted to say you're not alone in this at all, there's some amazing support here and also from other support services who can help you through this. There's an organisation called B-eat who have some great support and are all about helping people with any problems they might be having with eating as early as possible. Some of their support includes online forums, support groups, and helplines. Do you feel you could reach out to them if you need to?

    We're all here for you, keep posting here whenever you like :)

    - Aife
  • ShaunieShaunie An empath EnglandPosts: 1,294 Fanatical Poster
    I am so very sorry you feel like this and anorexia has completely controlled you life : ((((.

    I really feel for you and your despair. But you've wrote that anorexia is your whole identity. Its not. You are strong to be here . You're strong to have shared how you feel . You are strong to go to group therapy. You are not just anorexic. There's more to you then that. I know this is just comment that may not take in. But please actknowledge your strength. There IS more to life then your eating disorder. And You Will get through it. It takes time. But it Will be Worth it. You are doing great. < 3
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us face, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care.” ~ Marvin J Ashton
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,769,851 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Aife wrote: »
    Hey @Al0neInMusic,

    I'm really sorry to hear what you've been going through, it sounds like things have been really difficult and everything's becoming quite overwhelming. You're taking a great step to update us about how you're feeling :). How have things been these past couple of months? In your last post you mentioned a group therapy you'd been going to, how is everything going there?

    In one of your earlier posts you mentioned you feel you're not at a stage yet where a GP can help you, how are you feeling about this at the moment?

    I just wanted to say you're not alone in this at all, there's some amazing support here and also from other support services who can help you through this. There's an organisation called B-eat who have some great support and are all about helping people with any problems they might be having with eating as early as possible. Some of their support includes online forums, support groups, and helplines. Do you feel you could reach out to them if you need to?

    We're all here for you, keep posting here whenever you like :)

    - Aife


    Hi Aife thank you for your kindness and understanding. I'm always thinking "how can it get worse" but somehow the past 4 or 5 years have just been me outdoing myself on how bad I think it can get. And it's partly the reason I don't want to carry on much longer because I don't want to imagine another 4 or 5 years, which unfortunately I feel is doomed for me now because even if I got help (which I still don't want to do), it would still take years I think to really overcome this now. :(

    I still don't really feel like I can talk to anyone like a GP about it because I guess I'm just convinced they won't take me seriously. I feel like if they tell me I'm not thin enough or something that it will just make me never want to get help ever again, and the truth is, I'm not thin enough so they probably would say that. They only take people seriously who look like they're dying and I still probably pass as 'naturally skinny' to most people which sure is fine for everyone else, but not for me, that just means I'm still too fat if I don't 'look' how you would expect someone with chronic anorexia to look.

    Sorry for waffling on it just plays on my mind all day every day. I just don't think anyone would help, or be able to help, or even want to help tbh :/
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,769,851 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Shaunie wrote: »
    I am so very sorry you feel like this and anorexia has completely controlled you life : ((((.

    I really feel for you and your despair. But you've wrote that anorexia is your whole identity. Its not. You are strong to be here . You're strong to have shared how you feel . You are strong to go to group therapy. You are not just anorexic. There's more to you then that. I know this is just comment that may not take in. But please actknowledge your strength. There IS more to life then your eating disorder. And You Will get through it. It takes time. But it Will be Worth it. You are doing great. < 3


    I appreciate you writing this and thank you very much for being so kind. It's just hard to see a future right now, it's just constantly getting harder and harder to cope with and harder to fight, I don't want to imagine how much worse it could be in another year or so, I just don't want to be here anymore.

    The problem is I need to be so much thinner before I could even consider trying recovery and until that point I can't do anything but just waste my life away and I don't even know if I'll ever be thin enough, I don't know if it'll ever feel enough. I can't even recognise if what I am right now is even thin anymore, I don't feel it and I don't look it and I've not lost weight quick enough to see much of a difference at all so it's just completely messing with my head :(
  • ShaunieShaunie An empath EnglandPosts: 1,294 Fanatical Poster
    You're very welcome.

    Its really is shit that you have to fit their citerea for them to help. But i know how you feel. I thought i wasnt thin enough but i was below anorexic weight.

    (This is factual& hoepfully not triggering )- a normal bmi is 18.5 and anoreixc weight is 17.5. And i would say at low bmi you dont nessically look like youre dying.You probably dont see it because it is so gradual you cant see it. But probably all your friends and family can. And if not for yourself - then do it for them.

    Your gp will take you seriously. Especially if this is how it makes yoi feel. As well as if you see there is a problem and want help. Many people don't. You have nothing to lose seeking their help.

    I found reading recovery stories and blogs when i felt at my lowest and lonliest with it - really helped me. And gave me some hope. Therapy via my gp has really helped me. Have my off days but there is hope.

    I know how lonely and hopeless and dark and cloudy- it can all get.
    - We are here if you need someone
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us face, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care.” ~ Marvin J Ashton
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,769,851 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Shaunie wrote: »
    You're very welcome.

    Its really is shit that you have to fit their citerea for them to help. But i know how you feel. I thought i wasnt thin enough but i was below anorexic weight.

    (This is factual& hoepfully not triggering )- a normal bmi is 18.5 and anoreixc weight is 17.5. And i would say at low bmi you dont nessically look like youre dying.You probably dont see it because it is so gradual you cant see it. But probably all your friends and family can. And if not for yourself - then do it for them.

    Your gp will take you seriously. Especially if this is how it makes yoi feel. As well as if you see there is a problem and want help. Many people don't. You have nothing to lose seeking their help.

    I found reading recovery stories and blogs when i felt at my lowest and lonliest with it - really helped me. And gave me some hope. Therapy via my gp has really helped me. Have my off days but there is hope.

    I know how lonely and hopeless and dark and cloudy- it can all get.
    - We are here if you need someone

    Yeah the criteria sucks, for 3 years almost I wasn't even underweight. Ironically I think my BMI is considered to be quite severe now yet I just feel fatter than I used to be at a healthy weight. I have a large bone structure so I'll never look petite. And I don't think that's just body dysmorphia either...I look really big compared to others at the same kind of weight.

    I don't want to mention BMI or numbers too much either because I don't want to trigger anyone else who might be looking at this topic, but BMI scales do really piss me off and I think there is one criteria that has a scale of mild to extreme based on how underweight you are. Especially because before Christmas food got in the way I actually was 'extreme', and now it's like my life isn't worth living or I'm not sick enough unless I'm back there again.

    Also I guess I just see so many horror stories about how people went to their GP and the GP outright told them they couldn't get help or referred anywhere because they weren't bad enough. :/

    I know I probably come across as really stubborn and I am sorry about that but I want you to know that I really do appreciate your support and I think a lot of the problem is that I have just normalised the ED so much. Almost to the point that I partly don't believe I have one anymore. Like I know I have a problem but I almost feel like what I'm doing is fine and it's the rest of the world that's got the real problem haha.

    Idk :(
  • ShaunieShaunie An empath EnglandPosts: 1,294 Fanatical Poster
    I understand what youresaying. But it takes A LOT of courage to seek their support and they appreciate it. You dont know what your GP will say til you try. Being dismissed may feel abit disheartening. But being accepted for treatment will be a great step to recovery. Your GP reaction isn't going to hurt you as much as your ED will. There are set back and things that stop everyone. But you're in control and you need to look after yourself. Don't care what other people think and seek the support you desreve until you get there . Because you deserve it just as much as everyone else seeking it. Especially if you its starting to feel normal and feel you're only getting worse.
    Its really isolating thing to go through. Its more then just food and the health worries. They understand. And understand the seriousness of it. -If left untreated

    Calling BEAT about all your worries could help :)
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us face, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care.” ~ Marvin J Ashton
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