Do you ever think...this is it? (TW: eating disorder)
(I did put a trigger warning just in case but I also tried to keep out as many specifics as I could whilst still being able to describe how low I'm feeling. I'm really sorry if I have hurt someone or triggered someone with this post. Please feel free to remove it if it's too sensitive, I won't mind.)
I'm a slave to my mind. Things have never been this bad in all my life and it's scary. I don't know what's even real anymore. I'm pretty much always distanced from the world and the creatures we call 'humans'. I'm disgusted by everything. Most of all myself. But it feels like it's me vs everything that exists. I feel so bitter all the time and it swallows me up whole. I genuinely don't know how much longer I can keep going. I've had terrible times in the past for sure but this is the first time it's really hit me that there is no hope.
You might try and say that there is, but I've lived with an eating disorder long enough now to know that without support I just get worse and worse, but I can't get support because I'm too afraid. Anorexia is the only thing I have in my life that keeps me going, it's all I am, it's my whole identity. My entire life has become wake up, look in the mirror, refuse to leave the house, have a breakdown at the thought of my body, keep down one meal in the evening, then go to bed and think about all the ways I can end this hell. Then repeat. I can't live like this, I'm going mad, but recovery feels so unattainable and wrong, I can't make the decision to do it anymore, I've lost the blissful ability to even consider it because I'm just too weak against this disease.
What's worse is my family have to watch every day as I slowly destroy myself. They're basically watching me disappear. And I can't do anything to put their mind at ease other than to smile every so often so they don't have to know I'm living in excruciating pain every second.
I'm so sorry for taking up your time. Please, I don't want to hurt anymore people, please don't feel like you are obliged to respond or give advice or even to read the whole thing. Sometimes just to know someone out there can hear my cry for help is all I ask for.