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How are you feeling today? Any different? I was worrying about you this morning in work.
I know that everyone suffers differently, because we are all unique individuals, but when I think back, all those times I wanted to die, planning it, thinking how it would solve everything, I can't help but wonder, would it have really?
As I said before, I don't think I truly believe in anything when it comes to religion, but I think the not knowing, what was after death, actually held me back a few times. What if it was worse? What then? And if I knew for sure that there was nothing, or a better place, I probably would have and wouldn't be here today.
But I am here. I regret wanting to die. However, I don't feel like that person anymore, so in some weird way, that person is dead to me! Nothing but an echo of my past, which makes me feel at peace.
Thinking about it as the only way out, has opened my mind to thinking about all possible actions. What ways could I use to solve a problem, big or small.
If I had given in, there are so many things that wouldn't have happened. I helped raise almost £500 for a charity, I've made the lives of loved-ones that bit better, (without going into too much detail), I've helped children find confidence in themselves, read to a blind family friend. All these things I would have never done. They might not be saving the world, but they meant something to someone. I did that.
I lost faith in having any kind of happy future, but now I dream of my future. I never could before, now I dream of being successful and happy.
Can I ask? What do you want? Deep down do you want help? Because I never did. I didn't want others to know, I didn't want to talk about it, to re-live the memories, or hurt them, seeing their faces when they found out. But by the end I didn't even want that, I only wanted death. For everything to just end. Go black, nothing.
The world is full of horrible things/ people, but we have to try and balance those things out with positive things/ people.
I think sometimes we have to see the ugliness of life to realize the beauty.
Thinking of you xx BIG HUG.
Even at school when I was with my friends, I truly thought I didn't have any, that they just tolerated me. I was surrounded by loved ones, family, friends, even my big sister's friends- who liked me even though I was 2 years younger, but I always felt alone. I think it was more like the feelings I had put up a wall between me and everyone else, than actually being alone.
But it wasn't just the fact that my negative feelings stopped me from making connections with people, looking back I feel I was pushing them away too. I didn't want to trust them for fear of being hurt. Sometimes you have to take that chance, to grab on to it with both hands, to get to know someone and let them know you.
I think I will always have my guard up to some extent, because it was people that left me broken and confused before. But I like to think I give everyone a chance, and if they aren't what the first appeared to be, I think I'm strong enough to make them realize I'm not someone they can easily hurt.
It's good you want something other than to end it all. I would worry if that became your only want. That's when it gets so much harder to fight. If you have something you want, that can only help you. Everything you want, aren't impossible, out of reach desires. With hard work, determination and the right support you could have these things.
Some find it helps to have a goal, you could think of these as yours. For me, mine was to simply be happy again, to smile again and mean it, not put on that fake smile and pretend I was happy.
How are you today? I hope you can believe me when I say you have friends, and never have to feel alone as long as you are here with all these lovely people. xx
I don't know if some people find that helps but when I tried to push the feelings aside, they just came back twice as bad. I think it was because I didn't deal with them when they were happening, that they stayed with me and kept coming back. Maybe they came back stronger than before so I wouldn't ignore them again.
For me it's best to face them and work through what I'm feeling, even though it terrified me, and still does when I get the tiniest bit depressed. I think its important to conquer these emotions so they hold less strength, and in the end less of you.
Its okay to admit your depressed and suffering, and its 100% fine if you're afraid, maybe trying to ignore it isn't helping you. It didn't for me when I was pretending to be fine, that I wasn't hurting and trying to forget those feelings.
That's why I face even the smallest of negative feelings as soon as they happen. I find a quiet place where ever I can and phone someone I trust to talk it through with me. Usually within minutes I start to feel better. I never want to be like how I was again, so I face it, because I know if I don't it will be worse in the end. xx
Or maybe some of these?
www.getconnected.org.uk/Suicide
www.turn2me.org/NoToSuicide
I think they're all 24/7. And you can talk here. xx
Would you like to be useful?
You deserve some support and it's out there if you can take that step. It's really positive you're reaching out to us here on TheSite, we're here to listen.
There are others here who've been at crisis point too and found a way out of the dark. There is a path for you too, it can just take time to find it sometimes but you can
*hug*
You don't have to be afraid of admitting you are. The word itself can't hurt you, but not dealing with your thoughts and feelings will.
I still get scared when I have my bad days, it's hard, but I admit to others that I have had depression in the past, can still suffer mildly with it, and may even again in the future. -And that is a terrifying thought.
You don't have to force yourself to feel anything, but if you want to feel something, why not try forcing a positive emotion rather than trying to cry?
Has your uni work started to suffer? Have you contacted anyone? Any helplines or services?
Don't let it eat away at you. Do anything and everything you feel comfortable with to beat it. It's all about what works for you. And sometimes finding what works can take some time.
xx
You have reached out. You have been brave enough to open up. You keep posting, and looking for advice.
You are trying to help yourself. The problem is finding the right way to help yourself.
xx
Did you manage to get back to sleep after?
How are you now?
How were you able to get back to sleep? If you don't mind me asking?
Because whenever I have a disturbing dream, I try really hard to forget about it, and replace the image of that dream with something I like, or a positive memory. xx *hug*
xx
I remember you saying you found it difficult before and were struggling.
You absolutely deserve to be alive. Even if you don't feel that, you do. You deserve to be happy and to have a place in the world.